5. Tampans and St Petersburgers

  Tampa sucks. It doesn't intrinsically suck, like Cleveland or Buffalo. It only really sucks compared to the jewel that is St. Petersburg. To say there are strained feelings between the two cities is an understatement. But, this is, of course, human nature. You have a much greater likelihood of hating your next door neighbor more than anyone else on the planet, especially if your next-door neighbor acts like a putz.

  It is particularly painful, therefore, to learn that the best sandwich on the planet, the sandwich by which all others are judged, The Cuban Sandwich, originated in Ybor (pronounced EE-Bor) City, a part of Tampa.
It wasn't so bad when everybody thought a Cuban sandwich actually came from Cuba. But recently, Tampa decided that the Cuban sandwich was the "official" sandwich of Tampa, and arrogantly renamed it the "Tampa Cuban Sandwich."

The Tampan Cuban

 There have been some incidents recently that have exacerbated the tension with Tampans. These are not necessarily in chronological order:

1. The St. Petersburg Times 1884-2011. Fans will tell you that it's a premier newspaper, winner of six Pulitzer prizes and renowned for fantastic color reproduction. Critics will tell you that it should be named "Pravda by the Bay", as its editorial policy is somewhere in between the political leanings of  Bill Maher and Karl Marx. For 127 years, it's banner flew proudly, until the current crop of Benedict Arnold weasel-faced quislings running the rag decided to change the name to "Tampa Bay Times", in an ill-conceived and pathetic attempt to appear more "regional". It would be comical if it weren't so tragically stupid.

2. The United States Post Office.  I actually LIKE the post office. No Kidding. To put a stamp on a letter and have it delivered days later is a miracle. Don't believe that?
Try mailing something from Lower Slobovia to Upper Slobovia.

Lower and Upper Slobovian Postmaster Generals

But the United States post office, in a cost-cutting measure, recently decided to do away with the St. Petersburg postmark, having all mail originating from St. Petersburg postmarked "Tampa". This is kind of like finding out that your husband is cheating on you, but in doing so, he's letting his trollop use your lipstick and toothbrush.

Can I borrow that blouse?

3. St Petersburg's major league baseball team is named The Tampa Bay Rays. Tampa Bay is a body of water, not a city. The name by itself is insulting enough, especially since dimwit sports announcers will routinely refer to St. Petersburg as Tampa. If this isn't enough, as St. Petersburg does everything they can to chase the Rays out of town by pretending that baseball teams don't want new stadiums, Tampa City leaders are waving from the other side of the bay, lifting up their skirts and bending over.

Peanuts? Cracker Jacks? New Stadium?

It's entirely possible that you may be reading this and may be a Tampan. Or you may be related to, or be terribly fond of someone who is a Tampan, and take great offense at this blog. If so, I understand.

Bite my Tampan Cuban.