Barak Hussein Ebolama

It's been a while since the last boil has been Lanced, but I've stopped taking the medication, and the voices are back.

Why has the "Ebola crisis" divided along political lines?
What about it is so political that it pits the right and the left against each other?

Right Wing Ebola Pills

I got it figgered out.
It is actually tailor-made for the WWJBD (What Would John Birch Do) crowd.

First and foremost, it's just the best thing ever for creating fear, and this is the
right's stock in trade. They just aint happy unless they are crying wolf while wearing
Chicken Little suits. They haven't figured out yet exactly how to tie ebola to socialism, but give them time.

The Boy Who Cried Wolfowitz

Second, this is appealing to Republican politicians who now have the opportunity to portray themselves as "tough on plague." Bullies look for an easy mark, and the Ebola lobby is very weak.

Yippee

Sure it's fun to vilify poor people for being poor because they are moral failures, but even filet and lobster gets boring if you have it EVERY day. So it's always good to have a new target to puff up about.


Additionally, those left-wing weenies are always prattling on about science, and we don't want public health policy based on something like science, for God's sake.

Godless Communist Scientist

But the the best reason for it is what seems to be the right's only reason for existence. They get to blame Obama.
While watching them choke on their own vomit is amusing, one must wonder what Obama could do to actually gain some measure of approval.

He could:

1. Gather up all the West African Ebola victims
2. Then nuke West Africa (for good measure)
3. Air drop the Ebola victims into Isis strongholds (just for fun)
4. Then nuke Syria (just because)
5. Hang himself in the Oval Office.

And they still wouldn't be happy.

I'm touching myself.

But Ebola is small potatoes...

compared to a REAL threat

The POO God

The POO God... Perfect Omniscient Omnipotent

Who's Yo Daddy? 

 Back in the pre-Abrahamic days, Gods were more or less "regular Joes," just like you and me, but with better accessories- Helmets, fashionably ornate breast plates, winged sandals, etc. But they had human emotions and foibles. Where Western religion screwed the pooch was inventing THE POO God, thereby creating the greatest problem that any thinking person has with religion, reconciling how a POO God allows/creates/sponsors evil in the world. There is a field of study solely devoted to this topic. It's called theodicy.

I Am That I Am

Perfect means "without fault or defect." If the POO God created the universe, then Earth  and mankind are EXACTLY the way he wants them, unless we want to believe that THE POO God could intentionally create something imperfect. Omniscience is " knowing everything." So God knows everything about everything, and of course knew exactly what was he was creating and what would happen. So without yet discussing culpability for evil, a True Believer must at least acknowledge that God knows (and knew in advance) every evil act ever done by any person, and every "act of God" natural disaster that has inflicted misery and death.



Omnipotent means that God is all powerful and

Ex Nihilo

aware of and is in control of everything throughout all space-time. 






This makes it impossible to consider that God may be napping or taking a five day Carnival cruise to the Western Caribbean. 





THE POO God, by definition, would be "all good", characterized by unlimited benevolence. Using the principal of "everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten," reasonable people could agree that the actions of God in the Bible are nothing short of horrific. It has been argued by Richard Dawkins that he is the most unpleasant character in all of fiction. Since God knows everything, is everywhere, all powerful, all good, and perfect, we must believe that the human experience (with all its imperfections) is EXACTLY what God planned and wants. Uh-Oh, Lucy. You have some 'splaining to do.

A certain segment of True Believers tries to do an end run around this conundrum by inventing Satan, who is the opposite of God, or maybe not completely. 

Satan, of course, cannot be perfect or omniscient, but there are certainly those believing that Satan is omnipresent (Get thee behind me Satan) just waiting to be let in. This relationship may be like the principal and the Dean of men in a 1960s high school, where the principal was always a nice guy and it was the Dean of men would take out his paddle and whack people.

If God is not POO, he can only be ILL. Imperfect, Limited sight, Limited power. This brings us back to a more manageable level, not unlike the gods of Greek, Roman, and Norse mythology. But those pesky little desert nomads just couldn't leave good enough alone and they had to insist, "OUR God's POO doesn't stink."

Pride always goeth before the fallen man.

9. WWJD (Who Would Jesus Deny)

Pity the "religious" who hate Obamacare. They've got a lot to juggle. They have to find a way to pretend something about God and his regional managers-Moses, Jesus, Allah, Joseph Smith, Jim Jones, and the megaphone guy on the corner. Not only them, but the others claiming to be the intellectual inheritors of a guy who impregnated his half sister and went on to murder his son because voices in his head told him to do it. They have to pretend that all these guys will let them ignore the poor.

It doesn't matter what your flavor of Abrahamic religious kool-aid is, each one has this very pesky notion that you have an obligation to take care of the poor.
Damn, that's inconvenient if you hate the notion of healthcare.

It all starts with the Big Kahuna who says right here in Duderonomy 15:17 (just for Dudes):

"If there is a poor man among you, one of your brothers, in any town of the land which the LORD your God is giving you, you shall not harden your heart, nor close your hand to your poor brother, but you shall freely open your hand to him, and generously lend him sufficient for his need in whatever he lacks."

Wow doesn't that just suck if you're a Jew who thinks Obama is a Socialist for wanting Americans to have healthcare. Maybe God meant everything EXCEPT health care.

We'll skip ahead to Islam (saving the biggest Socialist for last). We all know what the Koran says, don't we? Kill the infidels, get 72 Virginians in heaven.

The only problem is that no one, except a bunch of "sheetheads" have actually READ it. And when it comes to caring for the poor, it pretty much sucks too.
"Believe in Allah and His messenger, and spend (in charity) out of the (substance) whereof He has made you heirs. For, those of you who believe and spend (in charity),- for them is a great Reward." (57:7)


Damn, can't a pseudo-religious conservative brother catch a break here?

But by far, the most demanding on this topic is that rabble rousing socialist trouble maker, The One, The Only, The Son of God, The Messiah.....Barak Obama.
Whoops, I meant Jesus of Nazareth.  What a trouble maker.

Mark 10:21-22: "Jesus, looking at him, loved him and said, 'You lack one thing; go, sell what you own, and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me.' When he heard this, he was shocked and went away grieving, for he had many possessions."


What kind of crap is that?

If he came around again, trying to peddle that kind of hogwash, they'd crucify him. Oh wait, they already DID that. Well, they would crucify him again, or worse, call him a MODERATE. God help him. No doubt, Christians have the toughest row to hoe here, because they are supposed to do their best to be JUST LIKE CHRIST. 
But wait...It gets worse:


"Whoever says 'I know him' but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him."    1 John 2:4

                                                                                                                                          






                                    He's back, he's pissed. 
                                    He's taking names and kicking ass.

So, bad news for our Torah/Bible/Koran thumping Brothers and Sisters who think that they are not absolutely commanded to care for the poor, and view Obamacare as Socialism. It's not so much that they are misguided, misinformed, or have had their brains scrambled by Fox.


They are just bad people.


Wretched lying sinners  damned to hellfire, who, regarding Obamacare,  must ask themselves:


WWJD
Who WOULD Jesus deny?

8. Singing Pigs

Arguing with conservatives 

is like trying to teach a pig to sing. 

You'll never be able to teach the pig to sing, 

and it just winds up aggravating both you and the pig.

You ain't nuthin' but a hound dog

As we gear up for the presidential election, we can expect the desperate keening from the "Wrong Wing" to ramp up to nearly toxic levels. They are unwilling to talk about Romney's attributes, instead only interested in trying to convince America that Obama is the spawn of Satan and Karl Marx. It is best expressed in the following joke:

An African-American, a Communist, a Muslim, a foreigner, and socialist walk into a bar.   The bartender says, "What will you have Mr. President?"

 I apologize to my Democratic friends, but that really IS funny.

Doesn't Return Library Books

It's always easier to try and tear down others than to actually make yourself stronger, and the Tea Baggers, Christian Taliban, anti-Federalists, and Tenthers (Google it), that now make up the Republican Party, have decided to run the "crazy train" off the rails. What they are missing in all this, is that Romney is actually a good candidate. He is very very bright, having simultaneously gotten business and law degrees from Harvard, has a sterling moral and ethical framework without scandal or blemish, a winning smile, and did not eat the dog he killed. If they chose to, they could actually run a very nice campaign based on his merits to be president.......

Drop and give me 50, Private Equity.

                        But   NO.....................

I are a thought leader

Instead, the thought leaders of the Republican party have strategerized that Romney's best qualification for being president is that he is (as far as anyone can tell) NOT Barack Obama. Of course with the population of the United States being somewhere around 311,600,000, there are a lot of them who have that unique skill set. But some of them were not actually born IN the United States and therefore would not qualify (whoops).

The thing About Romney is that everyone knows he's a Massachusetts liberal. (Newt "Chuckles" Gingrich reminded us of this throughout the primary process.) So a lot of Democrats would actually vote for him. He's a nice enough guy if it isn't YOUR company he's raped and pillaged.

Want some candy?

                 

                               

             So America, our destiny is clear:

7. Log Cabin Ain't Just Maple Syrup Anymore

  President Obama just recently endorsed gay marriage. This is a very interesting political move, as it is guaranteed to alienate a large portion of American voters.

Republican

  So it was with great interest that I watched the interview on CNN of  R. Clarke Cooper, an Eagle Scout, Army combat veteran, and former diplomat, who was elected Executive Director of the Log Cabin Republicans in 2010. He is a very well spoken fellow and obviously very bright. I wasn't really prepared for this. Being east coast, left-wing, pointy-headed, elitist, homo loving liberal scum, I, of course, expected that this guy would be some kind of moron. Just in case you've never heard of Log Cabin Republicans, they are members of the LGTB ( lesbian, gay, transgender, bisexual) community who are Republicans...a seeming self-contradiction.

???

 


We have all seen the 400-pound restaurant patron order the triple bacon bleu cheese burger, a double order of fries with a side of lard, and a Diet Coke. Meat eating vegetarians, Christian abortion clinic bombers, etc. So contradiction is nothing new.





       
                                                                   But.... LGBT Republicans?    Really?

Mr. WTF

  I decided to investigate, and went to the Log Cabin Republican website and was surprised. From their website:

"... Opposing gay and lesbian equality is inconsistent with the GOP's core principles of smaller government and personal freedom...Working from inside the Party—educating other Republicans about gay and lesbian issues—is the most effective way to gain new Republican allies for equality."

  I'm not saying that I totally agree with the tactic, but you've got to respect the attempt. There have been many other impossible dreams. 

Busy Friday Night?

So hats off to the Log Cabin Republicans. Theirs is not an easy row to hoe. Hoe rowers everywhere should salute them and make sure in doing so that their shoes match their accessories, because OMGYG2BK. Don't tell me you're wearing those storm trooper boots with that Uncle Sam hat. Get a full-length mirror and your eyes checked, girlfriend, because that's got me SIS and  SHID.

OMGYG2BK: Oh my God, you got to be kidding.
SIS:  Snickering in silence
SHID: Slapping my head in disgust.

6. Stupid Geese

"It is a stupid goose that listens to a Fox preach"...  French Proverb

Or, if you hate the French, as any student of world history should, you may prefer this Irish proverb: "The Fox never found a better messenger than himself."

The Fox in this case is Fox News, sometimes referred to as Faux news.

  It's not that so much of what appears on Fox is "barnyard residue", it's that it calls itself  "fair and balanced". Fox is as balanced as a one legged epileptic alcoholic doing a jig on the top of a moving stagecoach hurtling across prairie dog territory.

  If you are a Foxaholic, you have already tuned out. It's probably better for all of us if you do. But if you did, you might miss the following little gem. 

  I have been reading a book called "Left Turn... How Liberal Media Bias Distorts the American Mind", by Tim Groseclose. He says, "In at least one important way, journalists are very different from the rest of us- they are more liberal. For instance, according to surveys, in a typical presidential election, Washington correspondents vote about 93-7 for the Democrat, while the rest of America votes about 50-50. What happens when our view of the world is filtered through the eyes, ears and minds of such a liberal group"?

  He then builds the case that...Oh well, if you haven't figured it out already, here's a visual aid.

            



Liberal Journalist

I can certainly see why if you are right wing neo-con Republican tin foil hat wearing teabagging  troglodyte, you might feel this way. If you watch CNN, for instance, you can regularly see that the moderators of panel discussions really do have a liberal bias, and they will badger conservatives to the point where the hapless victims starts babbling incoherently. Locally, the Tampa Bay Times (Pravda by the Bay) will never hesitate to run the most unflattering photographs they can find of any Republican. They were merciless with George W. Bush and would always choose a photograph that made him look like a simpleton.

I met a Pie Man going to the fair

In the recent Republican Primary race, they were even worse.  

These are actual Tampa Bay Times file photos below:

Michele Bachmann



Herman Cain



Rick Perry

 It IS only fair, considering the liberal media bias that those on the other side of the political fence deserve to have their viewpoints told to them.... I meant... represented.    And that's where Fox comes in.

             

5. Tampans and St Petersburgers

  Tampa sucks. It doesn't intrinsically suck, like Cleveland or Buffalo. It only really sucks compared to the jewel that is St. Petersburg. To say there are strained feelings between the two cities is an understatement. But, this is, of course, human nature. You have a much greater likelihood of hating your next door neighbor more than anyone else on the planet, especially if your next-door neighbor acts like a putz.

  It is particularly painful, therefore, to learn that the best sandwich on the planet, the sandwich by which all others are judged, The Cuban Sandwich, originated in Ybor (pronounced EE-Bor) City, a part of Tampa.
It wasn't so bad when everybody thought a Cuban sandwich actually came from Cuba. But recently, Tampa decided that the Cuban sandwich was the "official" sandwich of Tampa, and arrogantly renamed it the "Tampa Cuban Sandwich."

The Tampan Cuban

 There have been some incidents recently that have exacerbated the tension with Tampans. These are not necessarily in chronological order:

1. The St. Petersburg Times 1884-2011. Fans will tell you that it's a premier newspaper, winner of six Pulitzer prizes and renowned for fantastic color reproduction. Critics will tell you that it should be named "Pravda by the Bay", as its editorial policy is somewhere in between the political leanings of  Bill Maher and Karl Marx. For 127 years, it's banner flew proudly, until the current crop of Benedict Arnold weasel-faced quislings running the rag decided to change the name to "Tampa Bay Times", in an ill-conceived and pathetic attempt to appear more "regional". It would be comical if it weren't so tragically stupid.

2. The United States Post Office.  I actually LIKE the post office. No Kidding. To put a stamp on a letter and have it delivered days later is a miracle. Don't believe that?
Try mailing something from Lower Slobovia to Upper Slobovia.

Lower and Upper Slobovian Postmaster Generals

But the United States post office, in a cost-cutting measure, recently decided to do away with the St. Petersburg postmark, having all mail originating from St. Petersburg postmarked "Tampa". This is kind of like finding out that your husband is cheating on you, but in doing so, he's letting his trollop use your lipstick and toothbrush.

Can I borrow that blouse?

3. St Petersburg's major league baseball team is named The Tampa Bay Rays. Tampa Bay is a body of water, not a city. The name by itself is insulting enough, especially since dimwit sports announcers will routinely refer to St. Petersburg as Tampa. If this isn't enough, as St. Petersburg does everything they can to chase the Rays out of town by pretending that baseball teams don't want new stadiums, Tampa City leaders are waving from the other side of the bay, lifting up their skirts and bending over.

Peanuts? Cracker Jacks? New Stadium?

It's entirely possible that you may be reading this and may be a Tampan. Or you may be related to, or be terribly fond of someone who is a Tampan, and take great offense at this blog. If so, I understand.

Bite my Tampan Cuban.