9. WWJD (Who Would Jesus Deny)

Pity the "religious" who hate Obamacare. They've got a lot to juggle. They have to find a way to pretend something about God and his regional managers-Moses, Jesus, Allah, Joseph Smith, Jim Jones, and the megaphone guy on the corner. Not only them, but the others claiming to be the intellectual inheritors of a guy who impregnated his half sister and went on to murder his son because voices in his head told him to do it. They have to pretend that all these guys will let them ignore the poor.

It doesn't matter what your flavor of Abrahamic religious kool-aid is, each one has this very pesky notion that you have an obligation to take care of the poor.
Damn, that's inconvenient if you hate the notion of healthcare.

It all starts with the Big Kahuna who says right here in Duderonomy 15:17 (just for Dudes):

"If there is a poor man among you, one of your brothers, in any town of the land which the LORD your God is giving you, you shall not harden your heart, nor close your hand to your poor brother, but you shall freely open your hand to him, and generously lend him sufficient for his need in whatever he lacks."

Wow doesn't that just suck if you're a Jew who thinks Obama is a Socialist for wanting Americans to have healthcare. Maybe God meant everything EXCEPT health care.

We'll skip ahead to Islam (saving the biggest Socialist for last). We all know what the Koran says, don't we? Kill the infidels, get 72 Virginians in heaven.

The only problem is that no one, except a bunch of "sheetheads" have actually READ it. And when it comes to caring for the poor, it pretty much sucks too.
"Believe in Allah and His messenger, and spend (in charity) out of the (substance) whereof He has made you heirs. For, those of you who believe and spend (in charity),- for them is a great Reward." (57:7)


Damn, can't a pseudo-religious conservative brother catch a break here?

But by far, the most demanding on this topic is that rabble rousing socialist trouble maker, The One, The Only, The Son of God, The Messiah.....Barak Obama.
Whoops, I meant Jesus of Nazareth.  What a trouble maker.

Mark 10:21-22: "Jesus, looking at him, loved him and said, 'You lack one thing; go, sell what you own, and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me.' When he heard this, he was shocked and went away grieving, for he had many possessions."


What kind of crap is that?

If he came around again, trying to peddle that kind of hogwash, they'd crucify him. Oh wait, they already DID that. Well, they would crucify him again, or worse, call him a MODERATE. God help him. No doubt, Christians have the toughest row to hoe here, because they are supposed to do their best to be JUST LIKE CHRIST. 
But wait...It gets worse:


"Whoever says 'I know him' but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him."    1 John 2:4

                                                                                                                                          






                                    He's back, he's pissed. 
                                    He's taking names and kicking ass.

So, bad news for our Torah/Bible/Koran thumping Brothers and Sisters who think that they are not absolutely commanded to care for the poor, and view Obamacare as Socialism. It's not so much that they are misguided, misinformed, or have had their brains scrambled by Fox.


They are just bad people.


Wretched lying sinners  damned to hellfire, who, regarding Obamacare,  must ask themselves:


WWJD
Who WOULD Jesus deny?

8. Singing Pigs

Arguing with conservatives 

is like trying to teach a pig to sing. 

You'll never be able to teach the pig to sing, 

and it just winds up aggravating both you and the pig.

You ain't nuthin' but a hound dog

As we gear up for the presidential election, we can expect the desperate keening from the "Wrong Wing" to ramp up to nearly toxic levels. They are unwilling to talk about Romney's attributes, instead only interested in trying to convince America that Obama is the spawn of Satan and Karl Marx. It is best expressed in the following joke:

An African-American, a Communist, a Muslim, a foreigner, and socialist walk into a bar.   The bartender says, "What will you have Mr. President?"

 I apologize to my Democratic friends, but that really IS funny.

Doesn't Return Library Books

It's always easier to try and tear down others than to actually make yourself stronger, and the Tea Baggers, Christian Taliban, anti-Federalists, and Tenthers (Google it), that now make up the Republican Party, have decided to run the "crazy train" off the rails. What they are missing in all this, is that Romney is actually a good candidate. He is very very bright, having simultaneously gotten business and law degrees from Harvard, has a sterling moral and ethical framework without scandal or blemish, a winning smile, and did not eat the dog he killed. If they chose to, they could actually run a very nice campaign based on his merits to be president.......

Drop and give me 50, Private Equity.

                        But   NO.....................

I are a thought leader

Instead, the thought leaders of the Republican party have strategerized that Romney's best qualification for being president is that he is (as far as anyone can tell) NOT Barack Obama. Of course with the population of the United States being somewhere around 311,600,000, there are a lot of them who have that unique skill set. But some of them were not actually born IN the United States and therefore would not qualify (whoops).

The thing About Romney is that everyone knows he's a Massachusetts liberal. (Newt "Chuckles" Gingrich reminded us of this throughout the primary process.) So a lot of Democrats would actually vote for him. He's a nice enough guy if it isn't YOUR company he's raped and pillaged.

Want some candy?

                 

                               

             So America, our destiny is clear:

7. Log Cabin Ain't Just Maple Syrup Anymore

  President Obama just recently endorsed gay marriage. This is a very interesting political move, as it is guaranteed to alienate a large portion of American voters.

Republican

  So it was with great interest that I watched the interview on CNN of  R. Clarke Cooper, an Eagle Scout, Army combat veteran, and former diplomat, who was elected Executive Director of the Log Cabin Republicans in 2010. He is a very well spoken fellow and obviously very bright. I wasn't really prepared for this. Being east coast, left-wing, pointy-headed, elitist, homo loving liberal scum, I, of course, expected that this guy would be some kind of moron. Just in case you've never heard of Log Cabin Republicans, they are members of the LGTB ( lesbian, gay, transgender, bisexual) community who are Republicans...a seeming self-contradiction.

???

 


We have all seen the 400-pound restaurant patron order the triple bacon bleu cheese burger, a double order of fries with a side of lard, and a Diet Coke. Meat eating vegetarians, Christian abortion clinic bombers, etc. So contradiction is nothing new.





       
                                                                   But.... LGBT Republicans?    Really?

Mr. WTF

  I decided to investigate, and went to the Log Cabin Republican website and was surprised. From their website:

"... Opposing gay and lesbian equality is inconsistent with the GOP's core principles of smaller government and personal freedom...Working from inside the Party—educating other Republicans about gay and lesbian issues—is the most effective way to gain new Republican allies for equality."

  I'm not saying that I totally agree with the tactic, but you've got to respect the attempt. There have been many other impossible dreams. 

Busy Friday Night?

So hats off to the Log Cabin Republicans. Theirs is not an easy row to hoe. Hoe rowers everywhere should salute them and make sure in doing so that their shoes match their accessories, because OMGYG2BK. Don't tell me you're wearing those storm trooper boots with that Uncle Sam hat. Get a full-length mirror and your eyes checked, girlfriend, because that's got me SIS and  SHID.

OMGYG2BK: Oh my God, you got to be kidding.
SIS:  Snickering in silence
SHID: Slapping my head in disgust.

6. Stupid Geese

"It is a stupid goose that listens to a Fox preach"...  French Proverb

Or, if you hate the French, as any student of world history should, you may prefer this Irish proverb: "The Fox never found a better messenger than himself."

The Fox in this case is Fox News, sometimes referred to as Faux news.

  It's not that so much of what appears on Fox is "barnyard residue", it's that it calls itself  "fair and balanced". Fox is as balanced as a one legged epileptic alcoholic doing a jig on the top of a moving stagecoach hurtling across prairie dog territory.

  If you are a Foxaholic, you have already tuned out. It's probably better for all of us if you do. But if you did, you might miss the following little gem. 

  I have been reading a book called "Left Turn... How Liberal Media Bias Distorts the American Mind", by Tim Groseclose. He says, "In at least one important way, journalists are very different from the rest of us- they are more liberal. For instance, according to surveys, in a typical presidential election, Washington correspondents vote about 93-7 for the Democrat, while the rest of America votes about 50-50. What happens when our view of the world is filtered through the eyes, ears and minds of such a liberal group"?

  He then builds the case that...Oh well, if you haven't figured it out already, here's a visual aid.

            



Liberal Journalist

I can certainly see why if you are right wing neo-con Republican tin foil hat wearing teabagging  troglodyte, you might feel this way. If you watch CNN, for instance, you can regularly see that the moderators of panel discussions really do have a liberal bias, and they will badger conservatives to the point where the hapless victims starts babbling incoherently. Locally, the Tampa Bay Times (Pravda by the Bay) will never hesitate to run the most unflattering photographs they can find of any Republican. They were merciless with George W. Bush and would always choose a photograph that made him look like a simpleton.

I met a Pie Man going to the fair

In the recent Republican Primary race, they were even worse.  

These are actual Tampa Bay Times file photos below:

Michele Bachmann



Herman Cain



Rick Perry

 It IS only fair, considering the liberal media bias that those on the other side of the political fence deserve to have their viewpoints told to them.... I meant... represented.    And that's where Fox comes in.

             

5. Tampans and St Petersburgers

  Tampa sucks. It doesn't intrinsically suck, like Cleveland or Buffalo. It only really sucks compared to the jewel that is St. Petersburg. To say there are strained feelings between the two cities is an understatement. But, this is, of course, human nature. You have a much greater likelihood of hating your next door neighbor more than anyone else on the planet, especially if your next-door neighbor acts like a putz.

  It is particularly painful, therefore, to learn that the best sandwich on the planet, the sandwich by which all others are judged, The Cuban Sandwich, originated in Ybor (pronounced EE-Bor) City, a part of Tampa.
It wasn't so bad when everybody thought a Cuban sandwich actually came from Cuba. But recently, Tampa decided that the Cuban sandwich was the "official" sandwich of Tampa, and arrogantly renamed it the "Tampa Cuban Sandwich."

The Tampan Cuban

 There have been some incidents recently that have exacerbated the tension with Tampans. These are not necessarily in chronological order:

1. The St. Petersburg Times 1884-2011. Fans will tell you that it's a premier newspaper, winner of six Pulitzer prizes and renowned for fantastic color reproduction. Critics will tell you that it should be named "Pravda by the Bay", as its editorial policy is somewhere in between the political leanings of  Bill Maher and Karl Marx. For 127 years, it's banner flew proudly, until the current crop of Benedict Arnold weasel-faced quislings running the rag decided to change the name to "Tampa Bay Times", in an ill-conceived and pathetic attempt to appear more "regional". It would be comical if it weren't so tragically stupid.

2. The United States Post Office.  I actually LIKE the post office. No Kidding. To put a stamp on a letter and have it delivered days later is a miracle. Don't believe that?
Try mailing something from Lower Slobovia to Upper Slobovia.

Lower and Upper Slobovian Postmaster Generals

But the United States post office, in a cost-cutting measure, recently decided to do away with the St. Petersburg postmark, having all mail originating from St. Petersburg postmarked "Tampa". This is kind of like finding out that your husband is cheating on you, but in doing so, he's letting his trollop use your lipstick and toothbrush.

Can I borrow that blouse?

3. St Petersburg's major league baseball team is named The Tampa Bay Rays. Tampa Bay is a body of water, not a city. The name by itself is insulting enough, especially since dimwit sports announcers will routinely refer to St. Petersburg as Tampa. If this isn't enough, as St. Petersburg does everything they can to chase the Rays out of town by pretending that baseball teams don't want new stadiums, Tampa City leaders are waving from the other side of the bay, lifting up their skirts and bending over.

Peanuts? Cracker Jacks? New Stadium?

It's entirely possible that you may be reading this and may be a Tampan. Or you may be related to, or be terribly fond of someone who is a Tampan, and take great offense at this blog. If so, I understand.

Bite my Tampan Cuban.

4. OMG! My Friend is a Moron.

  It's a jarring thing to find out that your friend is a moron. By friend, what I really mean here is a "peer". A peer is someone, who by any external observance, is "just like you". Maybe you grew up in the same town, went to the same schools, worship at the same place, go to the same restaurants, have mutual friends, shop at the same stores. Someone from a foreign country may not be able to tell any difference between you. What they don't know, however, is that you've seen your friend's postings on Facebook and you have found out, by virtue of his or her political affiliation, that they are sadly, a moron. So while you are the "same", you are very very different.

You

                                           

Moron

NOT a peer

  Part of the reason for this is that folks who would never think of talking politics at a dinner party with people they don't know, will not hesitate to post politically incendiary things on Facebook.  When you're confronted with someone having a radically different perspective than you, and you believe you're clearly NOT a peer, then you are not terribly surprised.

Peer

 The real problem occurs, however, when someone who really IS a peer 

sees the world very differently than you do.

A. Liberal (Left)   -   B. Conservative (Right)

 Baby "A", for instance, grows up to Occupy Wall Street. Baby "B" joins the Tea Party

What value you ascribe to either of these positions
will be determined by your political orientation.

Who's to say?

What set my mind to thinking about this was a column I read in the stupidly renamed Tampa Bay Times, formerly the St. Petersburg Times (renamed in a pathetic attempt to appear to be more "regional"). This column appeared in their free handout you'll see around town. It's called TBT and reprises articles that have already appeared in the paper. It's titled "You Can't Debate a Liberal". Before reading the article, you have instantly formed an opinion over whether or not you're going to like it and/or find any validity in it. I am not advocating its content, or arguing against it. What it did for me was open my eyes to the possibility that there are plenty of people who are NOT stupid, NOT evil, and NOT crazy (maybe even some of them are peers) who view the world very differently. I urge you to read this article with an open mind, think of some of your peers who look at the world very differently, try to empathize with their position, consider that it IS possible for reasonable people to have very different perspectives, and then (and only then) say "Oh my God, my friend is a moron".

Click here to read "You Can't Debate a Liberal"

Just in case that leaves your tutu too twisted, here's equal time for the other side :


Click here to read "Don’t Ever Debate a Conservative on His Terms.You’ll Lose!" 

3. Are We the Worst?

Howard Troxler

Are we? This is a question I posed to Howard Troxler a few years ago. For those of you who don't remember Howard, or weren't fortunate enough to be living here when he was writing for the St. Petersburg Times, he was a beacon in the night.
He was often the only one, with pen mightier than sword, willing to point out that "the emperor had no clothes". One of his favorite targets was the Florida State Legislature. If you've lived in Florida for any length of time, and you have the least sense of fairness, then you are already aware that the Florida State Legislature is stupifyingly wretched.

            Flori-Duh

I would be remiss not to include some of the Great Mans words. Here is link to one of his 2011 columns that starts with: "It's only the first week of the Legislature, and already it has set a record for The Worst Idea in the History of the World ".
Golf Courses in State Parks - The Worst Idea in History

Now just in case you think this kind of thing is ancient history, here are some of the stories from this week in the Tampa Bay Times (formerly the St. Petersburg Times) newspaper.
Elected leaders make stupid laws and cost the taxpayers a fortune
Legislators reckless porkbarrel budget
Lawmakers protect their own sweet deal on health insurance

I was lucky enough to once get interviewed by Howard when my neighborhood was fighting a particularly egregious and unwanted boneheaded commercial development plan. Over the course of the next few years, I would periodically reach out to him. One time I asked him how it was that perfectly good and decent people could enter political office and transform into such Napoleonic weasels.

Shadenfreude: Pleasure derived from
 the misfortune of others

His theory was that perfectly normal people sit up on the dais, with other people looking up at them, hanging on their every word, beseeching them for favors, and treating them as if their opinions mattered. After a while, they start believing it. Keep someone in office long enough, and they start to believe that the laws no longer apply to them. I think that's a pretty good theory.


Of course in Florida we've gone one better, and elected The Worst Scumbag in the History of Florida Governors, and that's saying a lot. The voters of Florida, deciding that they couldn't bear the thought of a Governor becoming a criminal WHILE in office, decided on a preemptive strike and elected a criminal TO office.

Rick Scott (The Ricktator) was Chairman/CEO of Columbia/HCA, the company fined $1.7 billion by the federal government for Medicare and Medicaid fraud. It set a record for the largest fine of its kind in history. The company plead guilty to 14 felony violations of fraud. Here's an interesting piece about Snotty Scotty that was written BEFORE he was elected, so it's not like anyone didn't know.
Steve Forbes: Why Rick Scott can't be trusted.

It is so shallow to judge anyone by their personal appearance. It's just not right, and something this author abhors, making it all that more problematic that Scott bares an uncanny resemblance to Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter.

I do NOT                                              Resistance is futile

This comparison is, of course, massively unfair to Lord Voldemort, as he has never received so much as a parking ticket, much less overseen a criminal enterprise. I'm sure his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Mort, are lovely people.

Another time I asked Howard if he thought the Florida State Legislature was the worst in the United States. He said that it may not be the VERY worst, that you could never really count out Louisiana, but Florida was certainly in the running.
So...... we have one of the worst State Legislatures in the nation, and an ethically bankrupt Governor. What is the common thread between these two things?

I sure of it, I DID poopies!

It's the Florida voter. It's OUR fault. We seem to forget that these people we elect for reasons unrelated to their qualifications for intelligent governance, make decisions that directly affect our lives. Many people these days, particularly those on the right, believe they are channeling the Founding Fathers. They can pretty much get away with this since everyone napped through history class anyway and has no idea what the Founding Fathers really said. They said stuff like "..if the citizens neglect their Duty and place unprincipled men in office, the government will soon be corrupted; laws will be made, not for the public good so much as for selfish or local purposes; corrupt or incompetent men will be appointed to execute the Laws; the public revenues will be squandered on unworthy men; and the rights of the citizen will be violated or disregarded." Noah Webster.

Not sure if Howard Troxler ever came out and said, "Hey Floridians, if you keep voting stupidly, you get what you deserve".  He probably did. We have no one but ourselves to blame.

Years ago, there was a comic strip called Pogo. I leave you with this thought:       ARE we the worst?

2. Why Everyone Should Be Hated

  Many think that Americans have never been so partisan or bitterly divided, or politics been nastier. Not the case.

  Jefferson vs Adams 1800. Jefferson wrote "Adams was a hideous hermaphroditical character which has neither the force and the firmness of a man nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman". In return, Adams asked voters "Are you prepared to see your dwellings in flames, hoary heads bathed in blood, female chastity violated, children writhing on the pike and halberd? Great God of compassion and justice, shield my country from destruction."

J:  Oh Yeah?                A: Sez You

  28 years later, John Adams son, John Quincy Adams, said of his opponent Andrew Jackson, that he had the personality of a dictator, was too uneducated to be President and said his wife was a "dirty black wench... prone to open and notorious lewdness". Jackson's camp returned the favor by claiming that Adams had sold his wife's maid as a concubine to the Czar of Russia.

J: I'm taller             A: Bite me

In those days, they knew how to turn a phrase. Against this background, current politicians calling each other flip-floppers is really namby pamby stuff. If the counselor sneaks off for a cigarette break, they are liable to short sheet each other's beds, or wait until someone passes out, humiliate them and then tweet the photo.

The people who are really PO'ed are the voters, and deservedly so.
Everyone hates everyone.

  Republicans are mad at each other because if you take all the American male multi-millionaire Republicans over the age of 35, that's a pretty big pool from which to draw. And the BEST they can come up with is Santorum and Romney? If you're a moderate Republican, you know Santorum is a hateful Pentecostal theocrat dingbat in a Catholic suit. If you're a conservative Republican (otherwise known as a Conserva-Nazi by the elite lame-stream media), Romney ain't fooling anybody. Not only is he a liberal, but a freakin Mormon too. What else could you add to that to make it worse? Oh yeah, he killed his dog.

  Meanwhile, Democrats don't even GET a choice. Lots of Democrats don't want Obama, but no matter how much you are disappointed in Obama, if you're a Democrat... you get Obama. If that's not bad enough,  you get Biden along with him, adding insult to injury. If you are a gen-u-wine progressive liberal (otherwise know as a "lib-tard" by Foxaholics), you know that Obama is just another corporate lackey in a suit. And no matter what part of the Democratic Party spectrum you occupy, no one has a clue what his real goals are. If you're not scared, you're just not paying attention.

Republicans hate Democrats because Obama is ruining this country.

Democrats hate Republicans because Bush ruined this country.

My Fellow Americans

Clearly, we're screwed. The only possible solution seems to be if both the Democrats and Republicans political conventions are "brokered". That happens when there are not enough delegates for any one candidate to win on the first vote.  (Wikipedia on Brokered Conventions) Delegates don't HAVE to vote for who they were sent to vote for. They can do anything they want. Maybe the way the political revolution can happen is through the convention delegates. Let's say they all agree not to cast the votes for whom they were delegated, but instead broker the convention.

 Democratic candidates, unfettered by obligation, can do what they really want to do and nominate Clinton. Times were good then.
 Republican candidates, unfettered by obligation, can do what they really want to do and nominate Reagan. Times were good then.

Or...what about REAL bipartisanship. Reagan as President (dead or alive, he's still a favorite) and Clinton as Vice President. Now THERE's a ticket.

Great God of compassion and justice, 
shield my country from destruction.

1. A Virgin Blogger Introduction

  He awakes just after the sun, stumbles to the kitchen, slams two double espressos, opens the morning paper and fights the temptation to jump the Skyway.

  Editors note: For the Gentle Readers out there not familiar with St. Petersburg Florida and the Tampa Bay region, the Skyway Bridge is the iconic symbol of the area. It stretches 4.1 miles across Tampa Bay, connecting Pinellas and Manatee counties. It is not only a thing of beauty, it is also the premier location to "shuffle off this mortal coil" if your preferred method is leaping from tall things. There are a lot of advantages with choosing the Skyway from which to jump. Easy access for one. You can drive right up and park your car on top. Easy to get to the side, and when you jump, there is nothing to obstruct your 9.8 meter per second squared descent (the rate at which falling objects fall). No nets, no obstructions, just 431 feet of absolutely breathtaking panoramic scenery on your way down. Plus, if you are civic minded and don't like to make a mess, unlike jumping in an urban environment (off of the Empire State building for instance), there is absolutely no danger of injuring anyone or anything beneath you, except in the nearly impossible circumstance of a pod of dolphins passing directly underneath.

  The degree to which he is compelled to jump can be affected by the amount of idiocy encountered, and in what order read. Section "A" is national and world news, Section "B", local and State, Section "C" sports, and then there are assorted other sections dealing with lifestyles, the arts, and pregnant celebrities. It's hard to know on any given day which section will be more aggravating.

  For years he has gone through this ritual and vented to almost anyone who would listen. Then came Facebook, giving him the opportunity to argue ad nauseam with pinheads (apologies to any pinhead readers...you know who you are). Then, one day, he got an idea. Driven by a massive ego, deranged enough to think that people want to read this kind of drivel, and buoyed by the invention of what we used to quaintly call "The World Wide Web", he said "Hey, I'll write a blog!" (dramatic pause inserted here to allow you time to wave a little pennant and cry "weeeee" like the pig in the Geico commercials).



And now you, Gentle Reader, are blessed with the opportunity to share these rants and raves. "How could I be so lucky" you say. Or you may be saying "If I have a heart attack right now I won't have to read the end of it", and still others are saying "I picked the wrong day to give up lobotomies".

So a blog it shall be. A little ranting, a little raving, anarchy and flag-waving.
Boils will be Lanced.
Stay tuned.